Finaly I have some things I want to say to you…Its has been a while since we have talked. I guess it’s because (for one of many reasons), we’ve needed this time to come full circle. You know the circle I speak of… two people meet, join together, develop a friendship, develop a bond, become lovers, fall in love, fall into disillusion, fall apart…break apart. It is quite an emotional ride. Anyone that says it is easy to pick up the pieces after is lying…especially to themselves.
So you see, in the quiet times I wasn’t trying to tear us apart…I was trying to keep us together in the only way I knew and know how. I was trying my best. I failed horribly, but my intentions weren’t malicious. Your silent response, however was. You purposely muted your words to cause me pain, to make me feel small, unloved, and guilty. It worked. But I cannot accept this. This isn’t the reason why I walked away, but it is the reason I didn’t come back. I know you don’t understand that, but one day you will. One day.
So in this time that it has taken for us to come full circle, I have tried to pick up the pieces of a heart that used to love you so purely. A heart that still crushes my chest so badly on days spent missing you, that it hurts to breathe. A heart that so badly just wanted to be held in your gentle hands forever. A heart that would have given anything not to have been abused. You dropped it, but I picked it up. I will take care of it now. And now that your words have stopped breaking it, it has a chance to heal.
…And even though I hurt and I heal, I still believe that most things were real and I try to make sense of the fallout. Of the person that doesn’t jive with who I knew, the man who made me smile and was there for much. So what I say doesn’t always make sense to others or to myself. Some people might think that I’m crazy for feeling this way after all this, and I question my reasoning too, but it must be said because it is my turn to be vulnerable regardless of the consequences…
And Yes I still maintain that if tomorrow I had the chance to relive those moments with you, cross-legged in the car, by that bar sofa, those endless phone chats, the enjoyable dances and amazing nights…simple dinner nights and the massive laughter…I would. If we could start all over again on that walk, I would. If we could take that road and do the complex drive again…I would. If only we could be silent. If I could lay with my head on your chest and listen to your heart beat, run my hands through your fine body and watc you sleep through the night or wake up to that goofy handsome smile, I would. Silently, so words couldn’t break the moment.
So, here we are at the peak of communication breakdown where words have failed us and are no longer spoken or written. Where it has all fallen apart and we are now strangers. Here I am, still missing you to death and we are both to blame. Me for too many words, and you for not enough. Shame on us.
But I still have my memories. And when they start to fade away, so will my love. But for now, when I miss you I am going to close my eyes and breathe and remember that even though you are far away, and you are not here…you are not gone because….. I carry you at heart with me…every step of the way….
Yours Genuinely…Forever at heart! XOXO