Marriages made in HELL

“Sigh” words vacate my loud mouth just when I want to use them the most.

The other day I wrote about being a single focused woman and I went on to muse on why it’s important to find yourself and find happiness within you before jumping on to find a man to marry yet you are not ready for that marriage or you are just in for society’s sake…now allow me to give you number, I was in a class of about 36 students, most a year older than me so by this year they are about 26 or mostly 27, three quarters are married already and half of that are divorced! That’s a mad number to look at…remember they are divorced with kids…like really? Is this the life so many of us rush to? Is this the fairy tale people dream of? What is just happening to this vodka and rebul generation? Why won’t marriages last?? My little scattered brains continue to wonder and perhaps I will not find an answer in the near future…it has become a norm to get stories of husbands leaving wives and wives leaving husbands and every other time, my loud mouth goes mute and I seek words to just pass on my thoughts or maybe just maybe rub it on someone’s face and say “what were you thinking are you a Learner?”

What do you say to a friend, not even 30years old, with a baby daughter, who has made up her mind to ditch the man she pledged vows to less than a year ago? My friend succumbed to the pressure of society and decided to marry even when her heart wasn’t at most in place with the idea…the story is – It’s not as if the guy himself is some monster that no-one would want to marry; he is tall, good-looking, intelligent, and actually carries himself in a manner that elicits respect from people who come across him, the families decide it’s a good idea and So my friend just accepted the turn of events as the will of God, and went ahead with it.

Few months down the line and the barely existent Honeymoon was not only over, but long forgotten. The reality of her situation began to dance and jiggle its ugly, scarred body right before her very eyes. What had she gotten herself into? Her husband was lazy, verbally abusive and a Dreamer who was more interested in creating the illusion of ‘the good life’ than actually going out to hustle to make it happen. Now my thoughts “GOD FORBID” My friend was certain that she had become the victim of a BAD Reality TV show and was constantly praying for the day the Film Crew would run out of their hiding place screaming “GOTCHAAAA!!” Hours, days, weeks and months passed, and the intensity of her present hell became even more unbearable for her.
Aside from the fact that she is incredibly beautiful, articulate and absolute Fun to be with, she is also unbelievably hard-working! This is actually the particular virtue that draws me to her, as I greatly admire her Work Ethic, So you can imagine the personal torment she was going through watching her husband, whom she was supposed to hold in the highest regard, being slothful and unmotivated, As far as she could see now, she had become a mother of two; one a few months old baby, and the other a grown man in his mid 30’s. She couldn’t believe what was happening to her, and so tried to gain some sanity about the issue, by talking to her mother and close family members. In the opinions of those, ANY situation was by far more bearable than that of a single mother in her 20’s, so they told her to ‘manage’, ‘be patient’, and to ‘support’ her husband…my thoughts again “GOD FORBID, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE WOMAN” She meekly heeded the advice of her elders once again, after all they know better, and went to be the submissive wife they had told her to be.
Very soon, she found herself skipping lunches at work because she had to reserve the money to buy Pampers for her child. Not too long after, she got to the lowest of lows, as she had to begin pawning her jewelry and designer bags just so they could have food to eat.

I have to stop this story now and tell my reason for putting it across – What is happening to this generation of men? It seems that unlike their fathers, they have become quite comfortable in letting a woman take care of all or most of their financial needs. Otis Redding famously asked for R-E-S-P-E-C-T in his famous track which was redone by Aretha Franklin. They say that’s what a man wants the most from his woman. But how is it possible to respect a man who fails to step up to his traditional role as ‘The Head’. Forget all that New Age crap that says respective roles in a Marriage should not be carved in stone. The average African man believes that he is the ‘Head’ and wants to be accorded the RESPECT and everything he feels that affords him.
Being ‘The Head’ entails providing, loving and protecting; however many young women today, are thrust into compromising situations out of the desperation that comes with having to go out and fend for both their Men and their family. The Vultures out there sniff on their Desperation and prey on it. And you have a ‘Head’ at home?!
As I listen to my friend and as I’ve also heard the stories of other women in this same boat, I’ve realized that one of the worst things that can happen to ANY woman is to have a Man she cannot Respect.
If you are married and this is your experience, the choice my friend made is not the only solution, but be wise in whatever you choose to do. Do what’s best for your family, which includes your Husband; just because you made a vow doesn’t mean your life drops down a stinking ditch…RUN RUN RUN!

Men, PLEASE step up your game and emulate your fathers.

For us Single Ladies, all I can say is SHINE YOUR EYE!

May God help us ALL more so the crumbing marriage that are a result of desperation, pressure and lack of Focus.

Baffled Deeda.


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