Just another post…

17th September 2015, I experienced one of the most scary attacks of my life, the last time such a thing happened to me was in July/August of 2011, almost like a nervous breakdown but a little more intense, I felt chocked, my heart raced at a rate I couldn’t understand or control and my body went into consecutive mild fits that left me in shock for about 15 mins or so…In a moment I felt sorry for myself and at the same time scared.

I realize in the recent times I have been at battle for things I have no control over, I have allowed fear to take me down and attack my very living…as a result I have taken a 5 year backward movement health wise, you know when you sleep and your subconscious mind is thinking and analyzing situations then you are not at peace at brain and at heart and that in itself is a very dangerous thing to happen to any human being, when you are driving and you are not sure you want to take the road home or you just want to keep going and disappear so that no one sees you again…

For some reason the events of 17Th September got me thinking and  make me want to reflect on the past few months and share something a little personal with you guys…or maybe the one or two people who read this blog.

In July I  had a huge meltdown and broke beyond what I could possibly handle, I had sleepless nights and so much chaos I sat down and questioned God for what wrong do I deserve all this chaos, mostly I come across as a brave and strong girl and fought to hold my head high but within I have been breaking bit by bit day by day and suddenly it’s that point where I can’t handle anymore chaos or pain in my life…I have had messy tears and sobbed for hours, I have struggled for sleep and drowned in thoughts…

I have struggled with the fear of messing up my life and suddenly I feel am at the point that I will make the biggest mistake of my life but the problem is I haven’t been able to establish which direction will that mistake be…making a compromise and settling for something I want or choosing to walk away from what I believe in…my small brother says believe Allah has a reason and let him handle it for you…

For the few people who know me, you know that I live for my job, it’s one of the things that drive me and to think that I almost lost that job because of the chaos in my life just makes me wonder if I can bring myself around to recover from all the mess…I have been judged, betrayed, scolded…I have messed up and perhaps allowed a little too much venom close to me, there are characters who will say I shouldn’t blame the world for the faults in my life but what do you do when the very people you confide in your fears and troubles use those against you to bring you down…

Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love who I am, the business I do and the life I have….I thank God every day for his mercy and blessings…but sometimes I do drown and feel like am failing., I have so much expectations for myself and I know my family too has the same expectations and the fear of letting me down or the people who believe in me just overwhelms me over and over again.

So today I am in a place of pure of fear and feeling sorry for myself and I can only hope God will show me direction, this is not what I have envisioned my life to be and this is not what I expected to go through but it has happened and I can only live with it…hoping every day that I will wake up to sanity and a stronger Deeda..I can only pray and hope.

This post was written a while back but I have never really had the courage to share it on this platform but today I am in that safe place where I feel its ok to share, in a rare moment of safety, I have opened my archives and penned down an addition to this post:

I need to redeem me from “Slavery of thoughts”

I have realized I spent the past 5 months of my life moaning and complaining to myself about the hurt and pain I have endured , I have failed to appreciate the good in my life and focused so much on the bad…as a result am sinking in an ocean of negativity that is doing me so much harm…so I am putting a stop to the negative vibes and everything unhealthy!

What has happened has happened and there is really no changing anything, the past is what it is and I really can’t change it or make a difference to it, I can only move forward and do better with what I have and who I am…Because I have focused so much on what matters which are the opinion of “others” I have neglected myself…I have stopped living and all I do is calculate my fears and constantly prepare myself for the worst…

So, in a rare moment where I felt sorry for myself and the people around me for my constant whining and nagging, tears and fears I thought I’d take matters into my own hands and stop feeling sorry for myself…I am beginning a new journey where I will make it all better and worthwhile, I experienced a massive spiritual growth that I believe will help me make a difference in my life, understanding and creating a relationship with God is a very powerful thing, I wish I learned this earlier in my life, a lot wouldn’t have happened.

I want to constantly remind myself that I will be ok and there is a better tomorrow waiting for me and if I forget and you see me in Traffic hiding behind some ugly ass shades covering the tears, throw a smile my way and remind me that its really gonna be ok…

Cheers, to better days and stronger living.

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