Biological Timelines and FATE…

I read somewhere…
“Being single for a season, so that we can be worked on and molded into something lovely and whole, is wise and responsible. Once we do meet the lucky individual who gets to marry us, wouldn’t we rather be that rounded, emotionally stable, fully evolved person they deserve?
I’m content in knowing that I can be fulfilled in God and in my own path without having to desperately cling to another beating heart.”
…we can breathe easy in knowing that, while we may ache for the completion of another, being single is actually OK. Within those somewhat lonely nights full of painful growth, we are being made whole.”

About a week ago my best friend got married, we had a month long very exciting wedding, we danced, ate and made merry…we were happy and very excited.
I am so happy for her because I know she married the love of her life even though she had to wait to do it at 34 years of age…trust me in the community I come from, that’s way too late for a lady, such backward and weird beliefs, but hey it is what it is.

Yes, 34 and For all of those years that she’d been on her own, her prince charming was out there for her all along.
In a way this makes me feel like a really big wuss, because I’m not even thirty yet and I’ve only been single for about… oh, a kinda long short while.
But even so, sometimes fear starts to take hold of me, as do the habits of seeking and reaching that I’ve held my entire life.
“What if all the good guys are already taken?” I begin to wonder (which I know isn’t true, because I’ve already met some wonderful guys). “What if by the time I meet my person, I’m too old to have kids? Or perhaps the biological clock ad fate has decided to shut me out,What if there’s something wrong with me?? What if I’m gonna be alone forever?!!!” I find myself in a fearful frenzy, ready to seek and to grasp and to search at all costs, and at the same time feeling sure that this person I’m seeking doesn’t actually exist…crazy I know.

So all these thoughts send me into a battle, I want to have kids, marriage or not, I can no longer wait for Mr,right somehow that ring is taking a little too long to come
But then perspective quickly washes over me and I realize how completely ridiculous these thoughts really are…if you have been following my train of thoughts you know that am an emotional craze and I always over analyze situations.
“Ye of little faith,” I suddenly find myself thinking (isn’t this a quote from the bible or something?), “why do you doubt?”
Something within me begins to chuckle at the ridiculousness of it all, and my fear and doubt are instantly shattered, at least for a moment. But then again in between all of it, I realize am learning and growing and mastering a thing or two and then lately I took a challenge and a promise to self to make sure I go through it…To look at life on a more positive note, to be happy, to recognize my worth more and to look forward to great beautiful things.
So I started small with simple smiles, Laughter, belief and faith and I eventually graduated to taking steps….For a short while I didn’t see the progression then but it is becoming clearer to me now. Things do get better. I’m in the steps phase I know this because my instincts have been pulling to keep walking and to keep trying…There is something more I have to do and achieve…Yes there is…. Now I have gotten even braver I have started to venture out on my own…I am now in a place where I don’t need a hand, Now I learn to swim alone and I must say even though I am scared and I have my heavy days Iam doing just fine… I have come to trust myself to make it out should the light ever die on me mid-journey…Then I have learnt to appreciate and embrace nature too…There is something about a mountain that reminds you how small you really are in the grand scheme of things…when you become so self-absorbed that you forget there is more to the world than your worries, fears and pain.
When you begin having faith that your person will show up at the perfect time, something funny happens: You realize that you’re OK on your own, after all.
In fact, you realize that you’re more than OK on your own, and that you don’t need anyone to complete you.
You begin living from your own true center instead of seeking some center that lies outside of you. You stop looking everywhere else for happiness and you start being happy right where you’re at.
Sure, you might still miss the companionship or the other things that come along with being part of a couple. But even so, you are overwhelmingly content to be right here, loneliness and all and its not that am not ready for Love and all of it, I am so ready but am no longer planning things or struggling to change things, it will fall into place when it falls into place.

If I were to write a note to my future husband today, it’d go something like this:

To My Future Husband:
For years, I’ve searched for you in bars, in classrooms, and even created an image of you in my head, you are handsome and my KING, you are kind and firm and you have piercing eyes that see through my soul, I’ve hoped that you would swoop in and magically complete my life, and I’ve imagined that I couldn’t be happy until I found you.
But then I realized that this isn’t a fair thing to ask of you. Why should anyone hold the burden of making a half-person feel complete, of holding me up as if I couldn’t stand on my own? Why should a single person be wholly responsible for the happiness of another? That’s a big task for any person to take on, one that’s bound to result in a muddled entanglement rather than in a love that’s pure & free & real.
And so I’ve come to realize that I won’t truly be ready for you, or be able to give you what you deserve, until I’m able to gain a sense of completeness on my own.
For the first time, I’m ready to stop seeking completeness in being one-half of a whole. I’m ready to start being that person I’m meant to become, the one who’s whole and complete on my own and who you can’t help but love— that person who you deserve.
For the first time, I think I’m OK on my own— and when you are ready, I will be ready.
When our time comes, I’ll be ready, you won’t complete me or make whole a severed half. Instead, you’ll add a new and beautiful depth to the completeness I already have.

Love,
Dee

P.S I can’t wait to make Love to you and fall asleep in your arms and have your little handsome boys.

And to you, my #Muigaimyguy ( I don’t know what title to call you) who sees so much potential and beauty in me, I thank you, for making me feel good and making me love myself more and for making me smile… I don’t know if I have known you long enough to write about you here, but hey the few times we speak you have a great impact and its appreciated.
Slowly am becoming stronger. I have reconnected with myself and I have reconnected with positive energy and the courage to be… because it’s all part of who I am. Always was. In the path of life I lost these and you re slowly helping me find them. Though I wish I would see you more and share this journey more but I am still thankful for our time. Thank you for guiding me back to myself. Thank you for guiding me home and for being for positive, its a beautiful thing…In my world you are already forever significant and forever appreciated…God bless you!

Forever grateful …. Love D!

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