What are we doing for New year’s Eve? That is the question everybody asked from the minute I landed in Daresalaam, I managed to dodge the question a good number of times but on the morning of 31st December 2018 I had to answer because the girls had plans and there was a dress code.
I am booking myself at Hyatt Kilimanjaro, I will be on a floor that gives me a perfect view of the horizon, the port as well as the ferry offices and if its not perfect, then its close enough, I will spend the night in silence, alone, up close to the skies or as high as my imagination would take me, I need time to be alone in silence and take in what 2018 has been. This was my answer.
My friends laughed, Mariam said she thought I was hurt but she didn’t realise it was this much, one of the girls said I had lost it and my psycho level has gone a notch higher, you see normally am the bubbly outgoing, chaotic one in the group who is always loose and ready for a wild plan but not this time, this time I need silence and time alone and I was going to have just that, I didn’t even care if it was ok with the girls plans or not, I needed silence so silence I was taking, that’s All.
I penned the first draft of this down at around 6.30pm overlooking the beautiful susnset from my room window at Hyatt Kilimanjaro, serene and quiet, spacious and mostly white room, the décor and art is detailed and looks expensive just the way I love my life to be, its elegant and a beautiful space to be in, the space at which the sky meets the sea looks magical for a minute I allow myself to wonder is there really a point in the world that the sky actually meets the sea? Downstairs is a swam of activities, lots of cars checking in and couples coming for the exclusive executive NYE dinner, some look magical and some are a total waste of fashion space but all in all Love is indeed a beautiful thing and from up in the sky I could see the merry 8 floors down, then a wave hits me and I realise I don’t want to see people or what they are upto, so I leave the window and crawl back to bed with my laptop that space in that bed felt safe and secure, no one could hurt me and humans had no reach of me, a year really does change a lot…last year at a time like this I spent time at Dubai Mall waiting for the lights show among some 1.5 Million people, the chaos was everything you can Imajin and more but it was magical and world class beautiful, oh well, am here now in the silence and quiet that I needed and its time for me to offload, in my little space with no interruptions, no questions or judgements…just me and my flow of thoughts. What a Relief and much needed space!!!
2018 has been rough, complex and one of the most difficult years of my life, truthfully I thought I had experienced loss before but when I face Loss in 3D and had no one but myself to deal then I realised I had not really faced loss before until now, I will not question the choices and plans of the almighty but all I will say is, when a mother looses her mind for loosing a child, understand that person, that pain changes your world.
The loss I experienced in 2018 made me realised I hadn’t dealt with a lot of previous hurt and chaos in my life and I was angry at many things but placing the anger to understand where it hurt and how to cure it was the most difficult task I had to deal with (or perhaps am still dealing with) from trying to understand why I was sexually molested from the time I was 8 to the time I was 16 by an uncle, yes a blood brother to my mother, or trying to comprehend why the family’s first instinct was to cover the incident more than to check if am ok or perhaps dealing with the fact that I have given my body sexually to men who used me and walked away or the friends and family that betrayed me, the time I wasted loving the wrong people, the emotions I invested in the wrong places and the homes I created where I shouldn’t have, I don’t really know, all I know is am angry, have been for a while and its consuming me and its time I dealt with the anger.
My way of dealing with the chaos was finding me at depth, understanding me and finding a way to cure the hurt, all of it…right from the deepest end of my heart and the first thing I was going to do is offload, I cut off friends and even family not because I didn’t love them and not because I didn’t care for them but because I needed to find me and I needed time and space to do that and most of all I understood that its ok to love people from a distance and make yourself a priority and that is just what I did, I lost some really close and good friends and dissolved some realy solid relationships, it hurt to some extent but it also felt lighter and more serene and most importantly it felt right.
I confronted the demon that I have battled the most, the uncle who molested me, I demanded an apology and an explanation, I did get one, funny thing is it changed nothing and I realised my only way to heal was move ahead with my life and so I took a different battle this time and this battle was to free me and cure me, I made a promise to self to forget the hurt and focus on healing because a million apologies wouldn’t erase that my blood uncle had sexual encounters with me for nine years and nobody did anything about it, sad I know but it is what it is, just what life is.
This was my path to freedom and I was going to get to my summit whatever it took, I started seeing a counsellor to help me with the anger, keeping a secret for over 18years and battling to stay ok is no small game but I did it with a smile, a brave face and character to show for it, so definitely my brain was damaged to some extent, thank you Doctor Grace Kariuki for taking my endless calls, for meeting me at 6.00AM once a week because my weird persona insisted that’s the best time to meet and most of all for loving me and promising me to be ok, you are a Champion Daktari and your reward can only be from God, my greatest lesson that I took away from counselling was healing was within and freedom came from self, winning battles is about self conquering letting the world go with everything that is unkind that has crossed your path, there is never victory in fighting small battles and the bigger battles are the struggles to free self, I had good progress and more sanity was coming my way, I started understanding a lot of things in my life and forgiving me for the many times I was unkind to myself, I loved reading and literature again and I loved my own company, the fear of being alone started fading and I started to enjoy time on my own, I started to enjoy the peace and quiet of my home, I was beginning to heal and making progress but Betrayal and rejection weren’t done with me and so I had one more or perhaps two blows to deal with, a miscarriage and being cheated on all in a span of less than a month!!! First you loose a child and in the midst of processing the biological encounters that caused that to happen, the man that is supposed to be your anchor has been cheating on you, not once, not twice, not thrice…a damn fucked up relationship for nine fucked up months!!! That’s a damn whole year of lies and games!!! Lord if I didn’t loose my mind on November 8th 2018 then nothing in this world will ever shake me again, that I believe, solid!
I cried so hard and struggled to process it all, I have since stopped crying but I still have days that are darker than I would like them to be, I don’t kno if I have forgiven the man who did this to me or if Ihave let go of the hurt, all I know is I don’t deserve it and again fighting him or getting answers from him isn’t a victory I seek, the victory I seek is finding myself again and healing one more time, but boy this cycle isn’t easy, You know the circle I speak of… two people meet, join together, develop a friendship, develop a bond, become lovers, fall in love, fall into disillusion, fall apart…break apart. It is quite an emotional ride. Anyone that says it is easy to pick up the pieces after is lying…especially to themselves.
So in this time that it has taken for us to come full circle, or perhaps close enough, I have tried to pick up the pieces of a heart that used to love a man so purely. A heart that still crushes my chest so badly on days spent missing this man that it hurts to breathe. A heart that so badly just wanted to be held in his gentle hands forever. A heart that would have given anything not to have been abused, but that was the image of magic I had, the good I lived and experienced, this man dropped it, dropped my heart and let me down, but I picked it up. I will take care of it now. And now that his actions and lies have stopped breaking it, it has a chance to heal because I deserve better, a day at a time.
…And even though I hurt and I heal, I still believe that most things were real and I try to make sense of the betrayal, much as I know it is not worth the thought or time…Of the person that doesn’t jive with who I knew, the man who made me smile and was there for much. So what I say doesn’t always make sense to others or to myself. Some people might think that I’m crazy for feeling this way after all this, and I question my reasoning too, but it must be said because it is my turn to be vulnerable regardless of the consequences…
I will continue when I have the strength to.
Love and Light.